This post was shared with permission from the author, Kallie Dalley
Rally for Dalley
Tomorrow it will be 1 year. 365 days since our world stopped spinning as we knew it. I’ll never forget that day. The day cancer took a cure away & left us with a terminal diagnosis. I’ll never forget sliding down the bathroom stall at the hospital on to the floor where I curled up & cried until my chest hurt & my voice was horse while I waited for him to get out of another scan. I will never forget wailing in the car on the way home “you can’t die. You can’t leave me here. I can’t do it. I don’t want to do it without you.” As he gently squeezed my hand. I’ll never forget the sadness that followed as we told our families & loved ones. I will never forget knowing deep down I would have to endure hard for a long time to come.
Today I sat out on my yoga mat & closed my eyes. I imagined what I would tell myself if I could go back to that day. And then the visions of all that has transpired the last year played out, & tears streamed down my checks— of course for the hard days that were relived, but more for the beautiful gift of love we’ve been given this last year. If I could put to words all the sacred acts that have been done on our behalf; If I could share all the tiny miracles we’ve seen; If I could let you walk our path to see all that has fallen into place you’d know the sacredness this journey has been. You’d know the God I’ve come to know. You’d feel the gratitude I feel Brian is still here, as one year ago I didn’t think he would still be here with us at Christmas. Here are the words I’d whisper as I sat on the bathroom floor.
Oh Kallie the lessons you’ll learn and the growth you’ll grow. The journey will be so brutal and yet so tender a year from now. I don’t see the end of the path just yet, but here is what I do know.
You’ll learn God’s here— In this mess is where he sits with you. See him.
You will endure. You will break & you will fly. Both are necessary when you are becoming.
You will know a depth of sadness you never thought possible, but you’ll also know a joy just as big.
You’ll find strength you didn’t know existed and you’ll find it because you’ll carry on in weakness.
You’ll be carried. By loved ones & by strangers. They will carry you over and through everything cancer places.
You’ll learn who God needs you to be and you’ll see yourself becoming her.
You will learn true magnitude of gratitude.
But the most important lesson is—Let go sweet girl. Let go & let God. The me you’ll become